Saturday, January 19, 2008

8 Heart Attacks in One Night

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie "Analyze This!" I love it, it's one of my favorite comedies. One of the best scenes is when DeNiro feels faint and he's taken to the hospital, and the doctor who examines him tells him that he had a panic attack. DeNiro's like, "what are you talking about, I had like 8 heart attacks on my way here, it was a fucking heart attack." And then he and his henchman Jelly beat up the doctor for giving him the "wrong" diagnosis.

That's what I felt like yesterday. For some reason, I was so anxious, I was shaking at some points, and I tossed and turned last night. I couldn't sit down and relax, it was horrible. Unfortunately, I'm unemployed at the moment. Not too long ago, I had a well-paying job (by my standards) that I'd enjoyed, but I'd also been there a pretty long time and I did have some issues with how it was run, like every person who works does. The costs of everything were going up, as they still are, so I asked for a raise. I figured that the worst my boss could do was say "no." Well, he did say "no," and also forced me out of a job. "Forced" as in he didn't fire me, but his actions towards me made it clear that I wasn't welcome there anymore. And being as I'm a guy who'd rather show himself out than be thrown out, I left.

It wasn't long before I got a job in a similar store to this one. But I was a rank-and-file stockperson (whereas I was a manager at the other place) and in a good week, I made roughly half of what I made at the other store. But I did like working there, as I already knew a good deal about the business and that made it easier for me. But business really slowed after Christmas, and a week ago, I was laid off. My bills are still coming, and my savings are depleting. And I'm back in school, in a program that I love.

So I'm at a strange place. On the one hand, I've never had a clearer vision of what I want to be and where I want to go. I look in the papers, and on job sites, and I know where to look, whereas not too long ago, I wouldn't have had the faintest idea and would pick whatever looked good. But on the other hand, due to my situation, I feel like my options are always going to be marginalized. It's going to be a year before I finish this program and all I could really look for is part-time work. I'm trying to find a professional-level job, but not many of those are part-time. And I'm really trying to resist another service/retail job. When you get a B.A. and you're doing something else to supplement that, you worked really hard, and you want a job that reflects that.

Also, I'm disabled, can't drive & live in a suburban area. So, even in the best of times, it's hard to find a good job. But now that it's going to be a recession. My family's really cool about it, and telling me to relax, but it isn't in my nature to stand still. Anyway, thanks for listening.

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